What do you write in a sympathy card?

Whether you've written many sympathy cards or this is your first one, finding the "right" words never comes easily. Remember, giving a card is a gesture of care. Sometimes the simplest messages are the most caring. Below are some ideas for your condolences card, plus things to avoid.

Do:

  • Use the name of the person who died. Names are important and special--avoiding a name feels like avoiding genuine care.
  • Share a fun or thoughtful memory, if you have one. If they were really influential in your life, share that.
  • Offer a long hug or a good chat over coffee the next time you see each other. Grief doesn't end when the funeral is over.

Don't:

  • Don't make comparisons with grief you've experienced. This easily turns into one-upping or makes the griever feel they need to validate their grief or feel guilty for how grieved they feel. As David Kessler put it: "The worst loss is always yours."
  • Avoid platitudes like "they're in a better place"; "they would've wanted you to be strong"; "I couldn't survive this if I was you." These platitudes are really just to help you feel less awkward with the grief, but do nothing to comfort the griever.
  • Unless you know and align with the religious or philosophical beliefs of the griever, avoid soapbox stances: "another angel in Heaven"; "he's with the Lord now"; "one more star in the sky"
  • Make empty promises of help or company.
  • Negative comments or "jokes" about the person who died. The griever is likely well-aware of any of the faults that person had. Grief is already a complicated mix of the good and the bad. You don't need to add to that. 

So, it might sounds something like:

Dear Jess,

I am so sorry to hear about Tim. He had the best smile and I'll never forget how his laugh filled the room and made everyone else smile, too. I wish we could be together right now--I'd give you the biggest hug. Thinking of you during these days ahead.

Christy

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